Dr. John Townsend defines entitlement: “Entitlement is the belief that I am exempt
from responsibility, and I am owed special treatment.” He offers a sample
description: “The man who thinks he is above all the rules. The woman who feels
mistreated and needs others to make it up to her.” In this book you will be able to
recognize entitlement in others oneself.
Key characteristics of entitlement:
- An attitude of being special and deserving special treatment.
- An attitude of being owed something.
- A refusal to accept responsibility for one’s own actions.
- A denial of one’s impact on others.
Entitlement is a mindset undermining personal growth, relationships, and success,
and that recognizing it is a necessary first step. Beliefs of being special, owed,
refusing responsibility, denying the impact of entitlement will negatively impact us
personally and professionally but those we interact with in day-to-day life. Dr.
Townsend acknowledges we all have some degree of entitlement. Regarding
entitlement, there are two very different approaches to life, the easy way and the
hard way.
Two life approaches:
- The Easy Way (Entitlement Path):
o Doing what feels good or comfortable.
o Avoiding responsibility, effort, or pain.
o Expecting others (or circumstances) to change instead of oneself.
o Leads to frustration, broken relationships, and stagnation. - The Hard Way (Healthy Path):
o Doing what is best, not what is easiest.
o Facing challenges, taking ownership, and developing resilience.
o Leads to growth, maturity, and success.
Townsend defines the Hard Way as: “The habit of doing what is best, rather than
what is comfortable, to achieve a worthwhile goal.”
Relationship with an Entitled Person
Being in relationship with or living with an entitled person — whether it’s a
spouse, parent, roommate, friend, or child — can be deeply exhausting and
confusing. Dr. John Townsend, in The Entitlement Cure, describes the challenges
not only as emotional but also relational and spiritual.
Challenges of Living with an Entitled Person
- Emotional Drain – Constant demands and one-sided giving lead to
frustration and resentment. - Boundary Violations – They resist limits; saying “no” feels impossible
without conflict. - Communication Breakdowns – Deny, blame, and rationalize; issues never
resolve. - Relational Imbalance – You give, they take; mutual respect erodes.
- Conflict Escalation – Anger, guilt, or withdrawal control others (“emotional
hostage-taking”). - Impact on Self-Worth – You doubt yourself, lose confidence, and feel
guilty for setting boundaries. - Stunted Growth – They avoid responsibility; you burn out from over-
functioning.
Living with an entitled person is challenging because it attacks the basic structures
of healthy relationships: mutual respect, responsibility, and empathy. Townsend’s
central insight is that love without limits enables entitlement, while love with
truth and structure can invite growth — even if it’s painful in the short term. This
makes healthy relationships impossible without firm and consistent limits.
How Entitlement Impacts Leadership Teams
- Loss of Accountability – Entitled leaders blame others, avoid responsibility,
and weaken team ownership. - Erosion of Trust – Ego and defensiveness kill honesty and collaboration.
- Poor Decision-Making – Focus on comfort, image, or status over what’s
best long-term. - Cultural Breakdown – Entitlement spreads, creating silos, politics, and low
morale. - Resistance to Growth – Feedback is rejected, learning and development
stall. - Organizational Ripple Effect – Entitled leaders reproduce entitlement
throughout the company.
Townsend’s Cure: The Hard Way Leadership Model
- Own results – Model accountability.
- Face reality – Tell the truth, even when hard.
- Value growth – Embrace feedback and discomfort.
- Serve others – Lead with humility, empathy, and integrity.
Core Idea:
“Entitled leaders destroy trust; responsible leaders build culture.” “Entitlement is
not just arrogance; it’s a fear of pain and responsibility. But great leaders do hard
things — they confront reality, own their impact, and serve their people.”
Dr. Townsend’s message is both diagnostic and hopeful. For a deeper, more
detailed look at Entitlement read: The Entitlement Cure: Finding Success in Doing
Hard Things the Right Way by Dr. John Townsend, psychologist, consultant, and
best-selling author.