Being loving is a wonderful virtue. Our world does need more love. However, when love become enabling it is harmful for both parties involved. When we have gone from loving to being enabling, also known as codependent, we are perpetuating problems in our relationships. Codependents rescue people from the consequences of their actions. They interrupt the opportunity for a person to learn from their own mistakes, encouraging more irresponsible behavior. We become resentful participants, keeping loved one from growing up into mature and responsible adults. Our helping isn’t helping! Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to say No!
Yet, it is often difficult to tell if you are being loving and helpful or enabling and contributing to someone’s irresponsibility. This Checklist will help you decide if you are being enabling.
- Do you have the resources to give what the person is asking you for, without putting a strain on you? Such as: Time, Money, Energy, or another Resource: (i.e., borrow your car, serve on a committee, pay someone else’s debts). Yes No
2. Do you feel free to say No? Yes No
3. Are you saying Yes out of Guilt or Fear? Yes No
4. Will you feel resentful if you provide what they are asking for? Yes No
(are you able to give cheerfully, 2Cor 9:7)
5. Is the person willing to participate in some way? (Pay a portion of the amount requested, offer some other type of help?) Yes No
6. If you have helped before, did it result in more independence and gratefulness? Or did it result in dependance and entitlement?
Independence Dependance
If your responses matched 4-6 of those highlighted answers, you are likely enabling someone. If you are still unsure, talk to someone else and get their perspective.
There are a variety of reasons for enabling, including, a fear of rejection or loss of relationship, attempts to avoid someone’s displeasure or anger, caving into nagging or intimidation. Giving in when we feel we should say No perpetuates a cycle of irresponsibility and cause untold stress. It’s not good for anyone involved and can actually become dangerous over time.
Recommendations: Read Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Join a support group for help or seek counseling. You can learn when to say Yes and when to say No and get your life back.